The Sanctuary of Sanity

Something had to be posted eventually

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 05:17:18 GMT

1) Using band or artist names, spell out your name:
(Go go MusicMatch Jukebox!)

Taproot
Orgy
Marilyn Manson

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? Obviously "Hot Cross Buns" ... don't look at me like that
3) What song makes you cry? Eva by Orgy
4) What song makes you happy? Stars by Lacuna Coil
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? Falling Again by Lacuna Coil
6) Name a song by Coal Chamber: Fiend.
7) Who was/were your idol/s when you were younger? Martha Stewart... okay, I've never really had any idols.
8) First album you ever bought? Frogstomp by Silverchair
9) Name a song that reminds you of someone and why: Eva and Erica...

Appearance
HEIGHT: 6'3"
HAIR COLOR: Blonde/Brown... for now
SKIN COLOR: Whiter than Vanilla Ice.
EYE COLOR: Icy Blue. (Adjectives rule)
PIERCINGS: Nope
TATTOOS: Nope
WHAT COLOUR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Black.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Eva by Orgy, damn you survey.
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: uh... mouth?
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Mild.
HOW ARE YOU? Alive... score one for me!

Do You..
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: No.
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: No, I'm perfect, and do not have a problem with sarcasm.
LIKE YOUR PARENTS?: One of them
LIKE TO DRIVE?: If I have no other way to get around. Damn you rural area!

Favourites
TV SHOW: Family Guy
CONDITIONER: I'm so not getting up to find out.
BOOK: I can't decide off hand.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Beer of teh Root indeed Zofia.
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: I'm purer than the Vatican, so none.
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Sleep, a lot.

Have You...
BROKEN THE LAW: There was this one time with corn and driving at 3 AM... er........ no.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Thought about it
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: Why? So I could go stand in an empty, dark neighbourhood or look at cornfields. Maybe if I didn't live in Hickton.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: No
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: No
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: Yes.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: No, because my teachers'll let me leave the room whenver I want. That's even better.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: Almost.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Yes, I was even a villain in that. Fucking typecasting.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Yes

Love
BOYFRIEND: I'm sure a lot of people would think I'd have one =p
GIRLFRIEND: That I does.
SEXUALITY: Depends on who you ask.
CHILDREN: Nope, I'm not some deadbeat teenage dad.
CURRENT CRUSH: Not my cat, you're sick Zofia. SICK!
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Because I've had more than one love. Geez, it's like you don't know me at all! *cries*
BEEN HURT?: More times than a Catholic family has children.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Being born in Indiana.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: Well... there was this one time in Venezuela...

Random
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: Yes, it's definitely a job staying this awesome.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: I'd have to have a CD player for that to happen. But uh... I've got my all Orgy playlist on right now.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?: The most awesome one.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Having something to do ><
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Something by Rapsutina. Yes, I'm strange.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: Anything at this point ;_;
LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Couple weeks ago.
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: A couple months ago.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: 5 minutes ago, Zofi wants me to have a bigger penis.
THING YOU PURCHASED: A cable to make my PoS2 work, and it didn't. Damn it. I hate life.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Leno's on right now... not really watching.
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATRE: Return of the King. I see no movies.

Your Thoughts On:
ABORTION: Zofia said it better than I could ever dream of: "It should be allowed, pro-life people should be shot in the vagina. Or if they don't have one - the anus :P"
TEENAGE SMOKING: Unfortunately it hurts more than just themselves.
SPICE GIRLS: Who? =P
DREAMS: Never come to me.

AHHHHH!

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 20:30:50 GMT

Too much to do before tomorrow! EEEEEEEE~!

Short Sentence Specatcular

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 20:33:15 GMT

Zofia's computer go boom.
Tom is sad.

Tom can't sing.
Tom harassed to sing.
Tom is embarassed.

The end.

I had to add something sometime...

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 00:26:44 GMT

-B A S I C S-
[my name is]: Tom, I think
[in the morning i am]: totally out of it
[love is]: time with Zofi
[i dream about]: Not living here anymore

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: Eyes
[last person u slow danced with]: Britt probably

-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: No one really, Zofi and I've moved a bit beyond a crush =P
[easiest to talk to]: Zofia and Ashley.

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best guy/girl friend]: Zofi?
[been in love]: If you can't deduce the answer from the above answers...

W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: Zofi
[hugged]: Zofi
[you instant messaged]: Natalie
[you laughed with]: Ashley

-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer?]: With the proper incentive
[what's your favourite food?]: Chicken
[what's your favourite fruit?]: Oranges
[what hurts the most?: physical pain or emotional pain?]: In the instant it happens, physical pain, but for any length of time: emotional pain.
[trust others way too easily?]: If by that you mean, trust hardly any one, then yes.

-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken?]: Zero, and it doesn't look like that's gonna change.
[of hearts i have broken?]: Zero.
[of girls i have kissed?]: Uno. (I shall now complete the rest of this section in Spanish)
[boys?]: Cero.
[of tight friends?]: Tres.
[of cd's that i own?]: Cincuenta.
[of scars on my body?]: Dos.
[of things in my past that i regret?]: Uno.

-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[i know]: everything, according to Zofia.
[i want]: To be on the other side of the continent.
[i have]: a messy room
[i wish]: it was the summer of '05 already.
[i hate]: hypocrisy
[i miss]: carefree days
[i fear]: Ginormous spiders that want to eat me, and the evil monkey in my closet.
[i hear]: See Music.
[i love]: Zofia
[i care]: about more than ever before.
[i always]: make too many stupid jokes.
[i dance]: never.
[i cry]: more often than people would expect.
[i write]: far too rarely.
[i can usually be found]: in this chair.

-Concerning.The.Friends.(You.Claim.To.Have)-
[wish you saw more often]: Erica.
[most sarcastic]: I'm my own friend, so me!
[knows you best]: Zofia
[most entertaining]: I'm gonna say me, because I feel like looking egotistical this evening and everyone around here is teh lame.
[love to be around]: Zofia
[nicest]: Zofi, at least to me =P
[gives the best advice]: Ashley
[you are with most often]: Zofia

-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[your best feature (personality)]: My irresistable charm? Yeah, I'm delusional.
[most annoying thing you do]: Not shut up when I should.
[biggest mistake you've made so far]: It's a secret... or I don't feel like figuring out an answer =P
[describe your personality in one word]: Varied
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: My eyes, it's all I've got going!
[height]: 6'3"-6'4"
[weight]: 170
[a smell that makes you smile]: Citrus
[a city you'd like to visit]: Victoria, permanently
[a drink you order most often]: Root beer
[a delicious dessert]: I'll follow the crowd: Ice Cream Cake
[a book you highly recommend]: Reading for Dummies, if it doesn't exist, it should.
[the music you prefer while alone]: Whatever the hell comes on.
[your favourite band]: Depending on my mood: Orgy, Cold, or Lacuna Coil
[a film you could watch over and over]: I hardly ever see movies, let alone repeatedly.
[a TV show you watch regularly]: Family Guy.
[your transportation]: Craptacular Car.
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: Nothing on purpose.

Wow, that was much less fun than I expected.

Blah.

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 20:46:08 GMT

Today, for the first time in weeks, I felt an icy grip around my confidence. I fear that my shell is returning after I fought so hard to break free from it. There isn’t even a damned reason for it to come back. It’s just like everything wound back four months today. It’s like one day I was completely free, and now I’m trapped again.

The only time I truly feel free is when I’m spending time with Zofia; she makes it all go away. By simply being her, she fixes all of my problems. I can’t burden her with that duty all the time, I won’t allow it.

Whatever... I'm going out, I don't want to think about this too much right now.

And Zof, if you read this, don't worry.

A Shallow Survey

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 05:56:36 GMT

The Zofia commandeth and The Zofia receiveth.

Women
- Hair -
. Length: Long
. Colour: Black
. Type [Curly, Straight, Etc]: Straight
. Other: Bangs should die.

- Face -
. Eyes: Green
. Glasses: Not usually, but can look really hot with the right style and on the right face.
. Nose: Slim
. Lips: Full
. Ears: Closer to small than large, I guess. Doesn't really matter to me.
. Piercings: Any of the common areas for piercings are fine so long as they aren't massive. I don't know, maybe a tongue piercing would be interesting.
. Smile: I come from Indiana, so any one that has teeth =P
. Other: Smooth skin.

- Upper Body -
. Neck: Long
. Shoulders: Feminine, i.e. not broad
. Arms: Strong, but not muscular
. Hands: Slender
. Fingers: Long, thin
. Breasts: Medium to large, but not out of proportion
. Waist: A bit thinner than the hips and torso
. Belly: A tad
. Back: Soft

- Lower Body -
. Butt: Small and soft.
. Hips: Not bony.
. Thighs: Smooth
. Calves: Toned
. Ankles: Uh... be ankles?
. Feet: Not wide.

- Other -
. Skin: Smooth and pale.
Race [If it matters at all]: Non-alien =P
. Height: Tall
. Weight: I don't want a bulimic super-model. I'd hate to not be able to see the person because they turned sideways.
. Strength: No bulging muscles

- Clothing-
. Skirt or Pants: Skirts
. Long or Short Sleeves: Long
. Nylons or Bare legged: If they're tall, nylons occasionally. If not, bare legged.
. Boots or Shoes: Boots, I guess
. Jewelry?: Nothing gaudy
. Panties: No granny panties, thank you.
. Other: In short, gothy girls are usually hot.

I'll do the other half tomorrow if I remember.

The Dream

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 23:05:17 GMT

Reading Zofia's post confirms that which I already knew: fate is on our side.

I remember that night on Nexus when she convinced me to stay. I have no doubt that I stayed because of her, not because I was seeking a reason to stay. Had she not bumped into me that day, I have no doubt I would have left the game without turning back.

Instead, I stayed for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because I cared so much about her, and secondly, because I couldn't leave her behind in the situation she was in. I couldn't see past Jose's dark side maybe because he had no other side, or more likely because it was the only side that was ever very present near me. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I didn't see or hear good from him, I only saw and heard Zofia's tears.

And it is true that I never any of her statements of love. I had to hide my feelings. Expressing them would have only complicated a situation that was already hard enough for her. At the same time, part of me thought they weren't anything more than friendly words. Through my own dark haze, I couldn't see how anyone could love me. For the previous fifteen or sixteen years no one had, why and how would that suddenly change? I'd be lying if I said I didn't love her then; I still remember all too well the pangs of jealously I felt towards Jose when she talked about him.

I would have done anything to seal Zofia off from the pain Jose was causing her, but my words were only a buffer. I knew she couldn't believe it because she didn't want to believe it. Things that deeply rooted and connected have to end naturally and on their own.

I don't know why I faded off. I guess school just robbed my attention and I couldn't bring myself to go back to Nexus. Too much bullshit and not enough to do. Sadly, it doesn't surprise me that I lost contact with her. It wasn't that she "wasn't exactly the type of person anyone would want to stay in contact with if it weren't necissary." I have a terrible habit of losing touch with people, no matter how much they mean to me, and that in tandem with a horrific bout with my illnesses took me away from her.

Looking through my own emails, I cannot find an email from her in May about Jose abandoning her. I know I wouldn't have ignored her in such a dire time of need. I know I've kept all the emails she sent me. I know she'd reach out to me. That leaves a single answer: the email never made it to my inbox. It troubles me to know she had to go through that alone, and I'd do anything to have been there to guide her through that dark time.

Then again, I don't know how much help I could have been to her. I was suffering from my own overwhelming troubles. I remember all too well that period of time. Never have I felt so alone, and never again will I.

The infamous "first kiss" promise... Of course I considered it to be nothing more than mere fantasy. Sure, it'd be awesome, but what were the chances? In that stage of my life, optimism wasn't my strongest point. In fact, I don't think it was anything with me. It's kind of funny now that I think back to realize how wrong I was.

Even if I didn't reply to her emails, beyond a short few paragraphs, they were nearly, if not, the only flashes of light in a rather bleak life. There were times I'd hear Puddle of Mudd or Our Lady Peace, and all I could think about was Zofia and how much I missed her. I remember thinking how incredible it would be for her to come back into my life, only forty-eight hours before she did. That's why I immediately jumped on the chance to speak with her again.

I also remember the slight twinge of sadness and the too familiar sting of jealousy when she mentioned she'd found another boyfriend. Was I expecting her to love me? Could I have honestly expected her to? No, I couldn't but the heart's deepest desires are never very rational.

I find it odd that during our darkest times, we were isolated from each other, and during the upswing from those times, we were reunited. Maybe that's the only way it could have worked out. There are way too many factors to try to put together and analyze to figure it out. I'll simply stick with the belief that we needed that time to sort ourselves out, realize the importance of the other, and to mature a bit.

I still remember that night. October 23rd, 2003. John no more than five feet away, playing Final Fantasy X, while I professed my love for a girl I'd been attached to for years. I remember staying up until nearly the break of dawn that night. I think in the mornin I had to struggle for a few minutes to determine that it hadn't been a dream.

Then came the fear. I was afraid of how people around me here would react. I was afraid of what exactly was coming. I was afraid of the repercussions. I was afraid of the unknown. I wasn't, haven't, and never will be afraid of whether or not the relationship'll succeed. There's no question about it: it will succeed.

All I care about is that she's safe now. That's all I've ever wanted to do for her, make her happy and keep her safe. If nothing else, I'll make sure of that much.

It's interesting thinking back on things and finding out how much I've changed, especially in the past few months. No longer do I find myself swimming in an inky world where I'm suffocating, and that's an amazing victory. More recently, I no longer fear what others are going to say or what might happen. I live for me, and I live for the moment. I find myself saying things and doing things now when I would have remained in fearful silence or stillness four months ago.

I'm distancing myself from my former self, the walking contradiction. There's no more battle between the person I think I'm supposed to be, the person everyone wants me to be, and what I honestly want to be. I am finally me. It seems like something so simple would be the norm, but I had to fight for it.

Heh... it seems like I'm just babbling now. Oh well...

Fears that I thought I would never be free of are completely gone. I'm not afraid of being alone now, because I know this is going to last (*gasp*) forever. I know that word isn't to be used lightly, but I have no doubt of its use here. I'm no longer fearful about where my life is going. I have a future now. Not a future that ends with cold steel, but a future that ends after a well-lived life with my soul mate, a future I cannot wait to see unfold.

I do still occasionally have trouble feeling emotions. No, not dealing with, but feeling emotions. After so many years of hurting and being alone, I'd turned them off as much as any human being can. The warmth of love has crumbled those barriers. I'm a person again, and a very loved one at that.

Well, this certainly beats the pants, or clothing item of your choice, off of all the other posts in my journal combined.

So, Zofia, would you have imagined back then that I'd ever be talking and acting like this?

And just for you Zof:

Lots of Love,
Tom

Hooray!

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 00:45:40 GMT

I finally am allowed access to my money. Hooray, now Zof won't go broke covering my expenses! It's a shame that I've felt sick all day, otherwise I'd probably be celebrating a bit more. Just another example that I can get my way if it's the right way, all I need to do is try.

That is all, you may return to your regularly scheduled blog-watching.

I'm Doing One of These!

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 01:55:16 GMT

I WANT: To live in Victoria and finally be home.
I HAVE: a love that keeps me going.
I WISH: it was 2005.
I HATE: Corn.
I MISS: being able to hold Zof.
I FEAR: the unknown.
I HEAR: dead people! Wait... no.. Lacuna Coil
I SEARCH: for a way to make it to 2005.
I WONDER: When Zofi'll be around again.
I REGRET: hiding my feelings for so many years.
I LOVE: Zofi, and Zofi, and Zofi.
I ACHE: when I'm suffering from a vitamin Z deficiency

I ALWAYS: feel better while Zofi's around.
I AM NOT: alone
I AM: very hungry
I DANCE: with two left feet
I SING: when no one's listening

I AM NOT ALWAYS: wise, although I try to be
I WRITE: with a passion whenever time allows, which is not often enough

I WIN: when I drug my opponent(s) into unconsciousness
I LOSE: when they learn my secret plan
I CONFUSE: those whose eyes are not open
I SHOULD: win the lottery so I can afford trips to BC

x. three things you are often complimented for: my wisdom, intelligence, and modesty =

x. what upsets you: unfairness

x. you keep a diary: or something like it

x. you like to cook: Does making asphalt out of pancake mix count?

x. you have a secret you have not shared with anyone?: That I'm really a three-toed sloth

x. you're in love: In love? Yes. Obsessed? Yes. Zofi!!!!

x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead: When I wear a watch, it's set at whatever time I find first

x. you bite your fingernails: No, but I bite my bottom lip

x. you believe in love: I didn't used to, but then I got a Zof!

Who is...?
the prettiest person of the opposite sex you know: Ashley's pretty physically beautiful, but Zofi's the best all around package.

the weirdest person you know: (The void in my head that talks to) Me. =P

the Loudest Person you Know: Zofia, but I don't know many people

Your close friends: Zof, Ashley, John, and no one else, because I'm a loser

The Person that Knows the Most about you: Zof

Most Boring Teacher: Mrs. Bale. If I wanted to be read to for the entire hour, I'd go back to pre-school, at least we had nap time and a snack then.

What is...
Your most overused phrase on IM: "=p"

Last image/thought you go to sleep with: Zofi. Yum.

Your best feature: Eyes, height, and... I'm ugly =p

think you've been in love: Let's see, how many ways can I say yes?

want to get married: Probably, if I can ever get some courage.

have any tattoos/where?: Nope.

piercings/where?: No, I'd turn into a homeless graffiti artist. =P

get motion sickness: Never

Think you're a health freak: Uh... no.

get along with your parents: Half of them.

SCREEN NAMES: Saland, DarkOne, dragoon00

NATURAL HAIR COLOR: Blonde
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Dark Blonde, hiss, sunlight!
EYE COLOR: grayish-blue.

( FAVOURITES )
NUMBER: 43
COLOUR: green
DAY: Friday
MONTH: Any non-summer months (although that may change this year)
SONG: Cold Heritage by Lacuna Coil
FOOD: Chicken
SEASON: Autumn
DRINK: Root Beer
VEGGIE: Uhh... uh... no preference?

( PREFERENCES )
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT? Cuddle, but making out definitely has its place
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE? Chocolate milk
MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE? White
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE? Vanilla

( IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU.... )
CRIED? Nope.
HELPED SOMEONE? Yep
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yes
GONE TO THE MOVIES? No
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? No
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? Yes
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? No
TALKED TO AN EX? Wouldn't I have to have one?
MISSED AN EX? See above.
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? Yes.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? Not really.
MISSED SOMEONE? Yes.
HUGGED SOMEONE? No ;_;
KISSED SOMEONE? I wish
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? Nope
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? Nope

I feel dirty for filling one of these out now.

Another gift.

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 23:54:42 GMT

I'm still recognizing things I gained while I was in BC, even a week and a half later. Today I may have realized the greatest gift of all, the ability to cast aside my shell.

I don't find myself impeded by fear or future often, if at all, any more. It's because now I know I have love and a path in life. It feels nice to breathe fresh air again.

Reflection

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 04:09:34 GMT

I've had a day or two to digest my trip and what occurred. Several memories have also floated to the surface, memories that I will treasure forever.

The first time I locked eyes with my beloved.

That first kiss and the flood of emotions that came with it.

Meeting Brittany and being shocked that I got along with someone besides Zof.

Going out with Zofia's family and feeling accepted, if not slightly loved.

A evening walk with a love and a new friend, with twenty dollars discovered, and a feeling of home I'll treasure forever.

A good New Year's Eve dinner, a kiss at midnight, realizing Zofia's parents liked me, a quiet movie, and most importantly, falling asleep in Zofia's arms.

Leaning against my love while watching an incredible movie, matched only by her beauty.

Knowing through quiet tears what true love felt like and that I had found it with Zofia.

A shower and an enlightening movie.

1:47 AM Saturday on a rarely snowy night in Victoria.

Two fun games of bowling, as well as an amazing dinner at a Japanese Restaurant on my last night with Zofia, a day I dreaded to see pass.

I remember that quick hug from Jan as Zofia and I ran to the ferry, a simple gesture that meant and said so much to me.

Finally, I remember that tearful ferry ride and the promise for another visit soon.

I hold no regrets perhaps aside from not being able to properly say goodbye to Bob. It was a week of many firsts that may very well be what shapes my life the most. Before this week, I hadn't felt at home anywhere or with anyone. Before this week, I hadn't been able to spread my wings and be me or feel accepted. Before this week, I had never truly known love. Now, all of that has changed.

Together I know Zofia and I can tackle any obstacles that come our way. Our future is not definite, it is fated. What comes will come, but I know it will be good. How could it not be when I have Zofia?

I was struggling with an epiphany Monday as I was leaving, and it took me a while to determine exactly what it was. Then it struck me: I don't have any goals, standards, or expectations to live up to except my own. While most people claim to know that, few people actually do. I am now truly me, not some masked version.

From which I'll never wake...

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 19:53:55 GMT

This is like the most beautiful dream trascended into reality. I never thought something this wonderful could happen to me, and I still can't believe that it has. I'll treasure every moment, somehow even greater than the moments that have already passed.

It approaches...

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 00:08:50 GMT

Two days! Holy hell where did the time go?

No surprise...

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 08:14:00 GMT

What the hell is my problem? I should be happy and upbeat and positive because I've got the greatest thing I could ever hope for in my life, yet I'm quiet and unexpressive, and I'm killing that thing because of it. I guess I'm not surprised by my own fault.

I'm sorry.

Ugh, I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Too close

Wed, 17 Dec 2003 05:02:29 GMT

I hate close calls, and tonight was way too scary. Bastard companies.

Luckily, my path still points directly to British Columbia.

Brand Spankin' New

Mon, 15 Dec 2003 21:39:03 GMT

I guess I finally succumbed to getting one of these, blah.

I suppose a new chapter in my life is enough of a reason to start a blog. I'm weak!